


Shepard's Loop.

by Azzy_Darling



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Foul Language, M/M, Mind/Mood Altering Substances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-31
Updated: 2012-02-12
Packaged: 2017-10-30 10:37:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/330803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azzy_Darling/pseuds/Azzy_Darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being brought back from the dead to save the universe, ain't all it's cranked up to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. White Noise

**Author's Note:**

> Now some dialogue in this first part is direct copied from the game, some stands as it is, some has been changed to fit the story better. And i did worry about being off character, but then again, it's just a silly fan story, so it's fine. This story is actually almost finished i think, see I just wanted it to last for like 4 or 5 pages, and it grew to a +20 pages monster. So I am going to upload some now, and see what happens. (I do think it will be 3 long chapters though).

__

_Caressed by a drug  
You elevated soul  
Vanity and pride  
An addict to one  
A universal force  
A one and only kind  
A thing I can't control  
No matter how I try _

_-Röyksopp._

 

****

**Chapter 1 – White noise.**

 

Shepard searched the Horizon colony, leaving no stone unturned, in the end Garrus sat down on a crate and sighed heavily, leaning forward he studied Shepard as he focused on overriding the mechanical lock on a shipping container. ”Permission to speak freely.” Garrus said shaking his head sadly.

”What?” Shepard growled, not taking his eyes of the panel for a nanosecond.

”We looked everywhere. Sir.” Garrus said, he shot Jack a worried gaze, which she mirrored with a little nervous tic by the corner of her mouth. She wasn't easy to upset, but she was not sure what to think about The Commander tearing through the colony like a mad man. Searching for something, he wasn't talking, he just frantically looked everywhere, and Jack deducted that he was looking for something that was very important, and that it would be best to leave him the fuck alone.

”Negative.” Shepard mumbled, and then yelled angrily, hitting the side of the container as he failed in the override. For a second he turned around and looked directly at Garrus, ”We haven't looked everywhere. We can't have!” A shadow of doubt darkened his expression for a moment, and then he fisted his hands, determined. ”Jack, please.” He nodded towards the door, ”Maybe a fresh pair of eyes... Just do it.” He stomped past Garrus and a baffled Jack, leaving his team mates to stare at each other and his back.

”Do I even wanna know?” Jack sighed, pushing off the crate, walking to the doors security system.

”I don't know.” Garrus answered honestly. He looked over his shoulder to see where Shepard was. ”I overheard him talking to Joker, I don't eavesdrop on the cockpit, often.” Garrus would have smiled if he could. ”He is looking for someone... Special.”

”Guess that makes sense.” Jack said with a shrug as the door to the container slid open, revealing thousands of canned pineapples. ”Who ever it is, is not in there.” She turned and looked at Garrus. ”The Commander is not stupid, if he had a friend on this colony, it would be safe to assume that the collectors took them as well. The whole fucking colony is gone.”

”Don't tell him that.” Garrus held up a disarming hand. Garrus turned in his seat and looked after Shepard, still ripping the colony to pieces. ”See, Alenko is no ordinary man. He is a top trained bionic, and if anyone is still alive on this damn rock, it will be him.” Garrus got to his feet, and before Jack could ask, he continued. ”He served on the original Normandy, so I knew him quite well. He was a good man, a little righteous, but who am I to judge?”

Jack rose an amused brow, following Garrus towards an area of the colony they hadn't searched yet. ”So he is going to shred this place to bits, looking for an old teammate, that he -thinks- might be here?” She smiled slyly, ”There -has- to be more to it than that.”

”Oh but there is.” Garrus answered amused, half assed looking down between some crates on the ground. ”I think they were more than team mates. I think Alenko and The Commander was lovers. But I don't know,” He looked directly at Jack, ”You should have seen the looks they gave each other, and you wouldn't really have been in doubt either, and honestly, a small space ship isn't really the place where you advertise your love life.”

”Why not?” Jack asked honestly confused. And then shook her head, ”Guess you're right, The Commander is always into everyone elses business, but very closed off when it comes to his own person. Never really thought about it till now.”

”True.” Garrus agreed.

”It is kinda romantic.” Jack said, stopping against a crate, watching Shepard's futile attempt to get access to a garage. She crossed her arms over her chest, ”Must be nice,” She smiled a little apologetic to Garrus, not sure why this whole thing suddenly had her all emotional. ”I mean to know that there is someone who would do something like -that- for you.” He nodded towards Shepard, who resorted to kicking the garage door in anger, jumping back in shock, as the door slid open revealing an empty room. ”Fuck.” Shepard swore and then turned his attention to the next door.

”I would.” Garrus said, placing a hand on Jack's shoulder.

Jack smiled. ”Thanks.” She laughed softly. ”Good to know that you'd act like a complete psycho if you couldn't find me.”

”Thought it would make you happy, to know.” Garrus said, not quite understanding why Jack would ask, and then dismiss it.

Jack sighed, ”It does, thank you Garrus.” She said, placing a hand on top of Garrus' on her shoulder. ”When is he gonna give up?”

”Don't know.” Garrus said, removing his hand from Jack's shoulder. ”And I am not sure I want to be around when he does.”

”Still.” Jack said quietly. They stood in silence for a while ”What the hell is that?” She pointed towards someone walking towards them.

Garrus jolted into life, ”Commander!” He yelled, ”Look!”

Shepard looked up at Garrus, seeing Jack point, he looked in the direction of Jack's hand. He instantly stood to his feet, looking every bit composed as he walked towards the person. Jack and Garrus followed, more out of curiosity than anything. ”Is that?” Jack whispered. And Garrus nodded.

The two men stopped two meters from each other, just studying the other for a while, looked mostly like two combatants sizing each other up for a fist fight. And then Kaidan smiled. ”Shepard, captain of the Normandy, first human spectre, savior of the Citadel. You're a legend and a ghost.” He said, overstepping the invisible private space of Shepard, and buried him in a long, tight hug. ”I thought you were dead Shepard, we all did.” Kaidan whispered, tightening his hold on Shepard, he had never in his wildest fantasy imagined that he would ever see Shepard again, even less hold him. It felt terribly real now that he could feel the Commander's breath tickle on the side of his neck. Both men reluctantly pulled from the embrace, and went back to studying each other.

Shepard was the first to speak, ”You don't sound too happy to see me, something bothering you, Kaidan?”

Jack almost spoke up, but Garrus shook his head as she opened her mouth.

Kaidan frowned, ”Yes something is bothering me, i spent the last two years believing you were dead! I thought we had something Shepard, something real. I... I loved you!” He stalked closer to Shepard again, resisting to poke the other man in the chest to drive home his point. ”Thinking you were dead tore me apart, how could you put me though that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?”

Shepard opened his mouth, but closed it again without explaining, because trying to explain Kaidan that he -had- actually died, and that Cerberus had spent two years bringing him back to life, sounded a little too lame, even to him. And he knew it was true. ”I just couldn't, and now so much time has passed. You've moved on. And I don't want to...”

”I did move on, at least I -thought- I did. But now we got reports on you and Cerberus.” Kaidan looked away from Shepard as he spoke, if what he suspected was right, he wasn't sure he wanted to hear it from Shepard himself. He wasn't even sure why he had said it, he didn't want to ask, because he simply didn't want the answer.

Garrus had been dead set on keeping his trap shut, but now it just flew out of him. ”Reports? You mean you already knew?” He had wanted to say more, had wanted to scold Kaidan for acting like an entitled little shit, but Alenko beat him to it. ”Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip that this colony might be the next one to be hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead. That you were working for the enemy.” Kaidan ignored Garrus completely, he just returned his hard gaze to Shepard, as were he trying to read the answer in the other man's face.

With a little uncomfortable smile Shepard held out his arms, as were he expecting Kaidan to come back into an embrace like before. ”Cerberus and I want the same thing: to save our colonies. It doesn't mean I answer to them.”

”Do you really believe that? Or is that just what Cerberus wants you to think? - I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but i never expected anything like this. - You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance, you betrayed me!” Kaidan worked himself up till he was almost yelling, his mouth a sneer, and his eyes hard and accusing. All along somewhere inside him he wanted nothing more but to grab Shepard and kiss him till they were breathless, he wanted to feel that it was not just a dream, that Shepard really stood here in front of him. Instead his mouth poured over with his frustration and anger, maybe a way to keep the Commander three steps away, where Kaidan knew it would be wisest to keep him. He couldn't afford to get lost in this again.

Shepard took a step closer, his back to his team mates, so they could only hear the hurt in his voice, not see it in his eyes, like Alenko could. ”Kaidan, -you know me-, you know I would only do this for the right reasons. - You saw it yourself, the collectors are targeting human colonies, and they are working with the Reapers.” He said, hoping that he could reason with the other man, he almost added a 'please Kai, listen to what I'm telling you, and trust me on this one.' But he didn't. Something in Kaidan's eyes told him he had lost his right to try to sway him with personal arguments, and nicknames.

Kaidan's expression twisted from disgust to heartbreak, ”I wanna believe you Shepard, but i don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you.” He lifted his hand to grab a hold in Shepard's uniform, but he didn't, he let his hand fall to his side again, and just frowned, ”What if?... What if they are behind this? What if they are working with the collectors?”

”Dammit Kaidan, you are so focused on..” Garrus broke in, but the rest of his rant died on his lips as Jack hit him on his arm and shot him an angry glare. ”Come on.” She said, hauling the massive Turian off. Leaving Shepard and Kaidan alone, seconds short of starting to physically circling each other, measuring each other up.

”You're letting how you feel about their history, get in the way for facts.” Shepard sneered, he wasn't angry, just frustrated.

But Kaidan would hear nothing of it, and just crossed his arms over his chest. ”Maybe, and maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus because they saved you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight.” He paused, biting his lip, he could feel his heart on its way out of his ribcage, he had to get out of here! This was nothing like the dreams he had had about being reunited with his lover, this was all wrong! And he didn't know what was worst, the realization that the situation couldn't be different, and that all his silly dreams, was just that. Silly. ”You've changed, but i still know where my loyalties lie, I am an Alliance soldier, always will be. - I gotta report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not.” His voice had lost all conviction as he just turned around to leave.

”Don't!” Shepard yelled, causing Kaidan to stop, ”Come with me, Kaidan, it will be just like old times.” He smiled at the thought. ”Please.” He finally added.

Kaidan took a deep breath, and turned around, hoping he looked more composed than he felt. ”No, and no it wont. I'll never work for Cerberus. - Goodbye Shepard, and be careful.” He turned around again, and this time he started walking away. Kaidan felt more like he stumbled blindly away, but he didn't hear Shepard follow, so he must have come off like he was in control.

”Shit.” Shepard kicked the ground. He looked in the direction where Kaidan had disappeared, and frowned, he knew he didn't have a whole lot to bring to the table, but there was no way in hell he was gonna go down like that.

”Alenko!” He called, suddenly sprinting after the other man.

~*~

Kaidan walked towards his shuttle, luckily it was fairly intact, and he could make it back to whatever Alliance ship was in the area. He might have to stay put here for a day or two. He pushed the communication button in his shuttle, ”This is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko of the Alliance. Requesting extraction from mission on Horizon, does anyone read me?” He waited for a little while, hoping that the Alliance had a ship near that would pick up on his secure Alliance channel. The radio beeped and a scratchy voice cam through, ”This is Captain Samita Talid of the SSV Iwo Jima. We read you Lieutenant Alenko. We are two days from your destination, but we can make a detour to pick you up, where are you heading soldier?”

”Home.” Kaidan sighed, But then pushed the communication talk button, ”I have to report back to the Citadel. Captain.”

”Of course, Lieutenant Alenko.” The scratchy voice said, ”Sit tight. We are on our way.”

”Thank you so much Captain, Alenko out.” He shut the com down, resting back in the seat of the shuttle, ”Shit,” He whined, He had looked forward to leaving this fucking rock. And now he was stuck here for two days. ”I do not need this shit.” He whispered, closing his eyes.

”Need a lift?” Shepard asked softly, walking slowly from the shadow to where Kaidan sat inside the shuttle.

”No.” Kaidan huffed. And then opened his eyes and looked up at Shepard. ”Your mission here is done I assume. Why are you still here?”

”You're wrong.” Shepard said, gingerly sitting down on the footing to the driver's seat, looking up at the other man. ”Anderson told me you were still in the Alliance, but wouldn't tell me more. Which is only fair I assume. But I did check up on you, and I knew you would be here.”

”Are you spying on me John?”

”Yeah. Suppose I am.” Shepard admitted with a little laugh, ”Just wanted to..” He sighed and folded his hands in his lap. ”I don't know what I wanted, but I'm pretty sure it was not this.” He turned his head and looked over at the table in the garage, filled with tools to repair the shuttle. ”I know you're upset, and..”

”Upset?” Kaidan interrupted Shepard's admission, ”You betrayed me! The Shepard I knew would never do that!”

Shepard opened his mouth to voice a counter argument, but then as earlier he just closed it, shaking his head, staring down at his hands. ”Maybe not.” He didn't know what to say, he had hoped that the whole political mess wouldn't matter, not when they finally stood face to face. He had had a childish hope that Kaidan would fall into his arms, and come with him, rekindling the time lost. This was not reality, this was absolutely -not- reality. ”You're right.” He finally said, looking up at Alenko, his Commander mask firmly in place, ”Two years is a long time, and we are both different people.”

”Please John, this serves no purpose at all.” Kaidan said, he scooted out of his seat and pushed past Shepard on the step, jumping out of the shuttle. ”Go home.”

Shepard got to his feet, ”You're being an asshole Kaidan.” He suddenly just said, grabbing Alenko's wrist, forcing him to stop his beginning pacing back and forth. He looked directly into Kaidan's eyes, ”My last coherent thought was of you.” He admitted, ”I didn't want to die, i fought it for as long as i could, but in the end i suffocated inside my own damn suit, and i thought of you, on one hand i felt content that you were safe in a pod, but sad that the last words to you was an order. It wasn't supposed to end like that.” He let go of Kaidan's arm.

Kaidan looked at Shepard, scanning his face for any untruth, but found none. He wasn't going to tell Shepard that Joker had been sitting with him for hours when he had learned that Shepard had not made it on board the last pod. He had felt guilty for wishing the roles had been reverse, that it had been John surviving, not Joker. But to his surprise, Joker had turned out a real friend, understanding all the downright cruel things Kaidan would say as he wept, was just his heart breaking, and not necessarily the truth. Aimless anger, and acute survivors guilt. Blaming himself for listening to Shepard when he had told him to leave his side to evacuate everyone else, and why had he gotten in that pod at all? Because he was scared and didn't want to die. But had he for just one second thought that Shepard would not make it, -never-, John was indestructible. ”Thank you Shepard.” He said calm, and measured. ”That makes me feel -so- much better.”

”I just can't win with you, can I?” Shepard sighed, rubbing his face with his hands in frustration.

”No.”

A long moment of silence, ”Alright, I have to respect that.” He said with a tiny voice.

”Thank you.” Kaidan said, stepping back to create more room between them.

”So..” Shepard straightened up, ”Be careful, Alenko. Space is dangerous.” He tried to smile at his own half ass joke, and failed miserably.

”You too, Commander.”

Shepard turned around, leaving. Everything in him told him to turn around and grab Alenko and make him understand. But his better judgment knew it would serve no purpose, other than reopening old wounds. Suddenly the idea of a postcard didn't seem all that dumb, it would have saved them both for a lot of bullshit that was for sure.

Kaidan stood in the garage, torn. He knew he had made the right decision, he had finally gotten his life back, he was dating a nice doctor back on the Citadel, and he had gotten new friends, a new life. One without John Shepard. Then why the hell did it hurt so much, watching his ex-lover walk out of the garage. He almost called him back, but decided against it. Instead he went back to his shuttle and sat down inside with a deep sigh. It had been easier to think there was some mistake in his intel, or maybe that Shepard was just a bastard, before he had looked into his eyes that was. It would be two days of canned fruit, and lots of jerking off. Why had Shepard had to come here? Shaking him out of his fragile but comfortable new existence.

~*~

Garrus and Jack was sitting on the steps to the colony mess hall, at some point they had been so bored that they had gone treasure hunting like little kids, and Jack had scored big, when she had found some moonshine and a deck of cards. And suddenly the Horizon was less mind numbingly boring. None of them had noticed that Shepard had come back, it was not until they heard him signal Joker, ”..I've had enough of this colony.” he mumbled.

Both Jack and Garrus stopped their card game and looked at their Commander, but judging from his expression, they didn't want to ask. So they didn't. They silently packed up the game and Jack stuck the bottle down in her ammo bag. Waiting in awkward silence till they could board the Normandy. And even as they boarded, Shepard just went to his cabin, he didn't talk to a soul, and when someone asked what was wrong, Jack and Garrus would just shake their heads, and then ask who was up for a game of 21.

~*~

Shepard let the door click shut behind him, he went straight for his desk, and with a defiant expression, flipped the picture he had of Kaidan there, face down. Undoing his uniform, buckle for buckle, he stripped down and went to the bathroom. He wished he could wash the entire day off, not that it was only sweat, grime and blood that would rinse away. But that Kaidan's accusing words would somehow be flushed out too. Shepard turned the water off and went to the sink, clearing the mirror for some fog from the bath. ”He was right.” He said to his own reflexion. ”You had no right to think things would be the same.” He frowned at his own haunted face in the mirror, ”You're an idiot John.” And with that Shepard slammed his fist into the mirror, breaking it into tiny pieces. It was oddly gratifying, he had to admit that.

”Snap out of it man.” He told himself as he walked out of the bathroom, aiming directly for his bed. ”You've seen worse, right? You died and came back. You can get past that stuck up little shit rejecting you..” He fell gracelessly down into his bed and pulled the cover up to his chin. He would be fine, he was overreacting, and just needed a good nights sleep, that was all. ”Fuck.” He closed his eyes, trying to will himself to find rest, but all he got was unwelcome images of Kaidan coming back to him, things that had been, and the things that was. He smiled to himself as he recalled this particular evening where they had had a some time between fighting what had seemed like the whole fucking milky way. They had docked at this uninhabited planet, and had had a barbecue, space-food was fine, but there was nothing like food prepared over a fire. The crew had scattered, some had gone off to look around, some had just take the down time to catch up on some sleep. And he and Alenko had just been sitting there looking up at the stars, talking. It had been so peaceful that he couldn't recall a single time in his life that had been this calm, this perfect. Kaidan had talked about BAat, not the depressing stuff, but the mischief they'd get up to sometimes. Shepard wish he could remember some of the stories but he could just remember he had laughed, trying to imagine Kaidan as a kid. It had just been a perfect moment, letting him entertain the more than flimsy idea of a life filled with this, just him and Kaidan. No monsters, no wars, no battles.

Maybe that was it, Shepard thought to himself on the border of sleep. To leave the past as a pleasant memory of what had been, no one could take that from either of them. And then take this opportunity to start over.

~*~

The next day Shepard seemed his normal self again, and the crew quickly forgot the strange brooding, dark, Commander they had seen when he had returned from Horizon. And over the next days everything seemed normal, he had even joined Jack and Garrus in their new favorite pastime, a game of 21.

Actually he seemed a little -too- okay, which caused Garrus to call upon his Commander one late evening. Shepard was sitting at his computer, trying to make heads and tails of his report of the Horizon event, he had postponed it till he couldn't ignore the order to get it off his desk. ”Commander.” Garrus said as he stepped into the sparsely lit room.

”Garrus.” Shepard said with a little tired smile, he pushed off his computer, and looked at the Turian, waiting for what was apparently so important that Garrus invaded his private space. ”Can I help you?” He asked.

”I.. uhm.” Garrus' gaze found the spot where he knew Shepard used to have a picture of Kaidan, this space was now empty. ”Are you okay Commander?” He finally just asked, watching Shepard as he seemingly pondered on the question.

”I'm fine, thank you.” Shepard said with an uncomplicated shrug. ”This report is a bitch though, I wish Kelly could type them up.”

”If you need a shoulder, or..” Garrus chose his words carefully. ”You know I'm here.”

”I know Garrus, thanks.” Shepard said, running a hand over his buzzcut, he added, ”I just hadn't expected him to lash out like that, but it's fine. I don't blame him, really no one could have foreseen that, or have predicted that situation. So yeah, I know what you're thinking, but I'm fine. Honestly.”

Garrus just stared at Shepard, not buying the whole -I'm a bigger person- thing. But then he just shrugged and nodded, ”If you say so. I just wanted to make sure.”

”Sure.” Shepard said, ”Well, Garrus. I have work to do, I need to get this done before we dock at the Citadel tomorrow.” He turned around and started typing again.

He was clearly being dismissed, but Garrus wouldn't hear of it. He could almost taste the lie in the air. ”Are you going to mention that we met Alenko on Horizon?”

”Of course.” Shepard said still typing away, ”Wanna read it?” He said with a hint of bitterness. ”I can read it for you, I wrote; Upon searching the colony for clues as to why the Collectors would target this specific colony, not wanting to rule out that it could have been something else, besides the beacon. We came upon Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko with the Alliance. He and one other survivor was all there was left after the Collectors finished. How they managed to remain untouched, I don't know. Lieutenant Alenko served under me at the original SSV Normandy, and is a person of integrity, and when he expressed his confusion over Cerberus investigation at the colony, I have no choice but to listen. He and I exchanged pleasantries, and then Gunnery sergeant Vakarian, project Zero (Jack) and myself boarded the Normandy once more, after learning that Lieutenant Alenko didn't have any information he could or would share, as to why the Collectors had come to Horizon.”

”But that isn't true.” Garrus said, clining his head, looking intensely at Shepard.

”Now it is.” Shepard said curtly. ”I can't see what my personal life has to do with the mission. I was asked to go there, and I accepted. End of story.” Shepard looked up at Garrus with a warning written across his features. ”Is that clear, Garrus?”

”Crystal. Commander.” Garrus said, less than satisfied with this exchange. Maybe Jack would have more luck?

”Dismissed.” Shepard just said, turning back to his report. The second Garrus was out the door Shepard let out a deep breath, he closed the window where he was writing the report, and stared at the email window open. Earlier that day he had received a letter from Kaidan, most unexpected really. It was very short, it just said;

_John,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore._

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care._

_-Kaidan._

Shepard had been staring at the reply box like an idiot for hours now, and this was the main reason that he wasn't done with his report. Every time he wrote something, it just came off as insincere, stupid, passive aggressive, or downright pathetic. He stared at the letters on the screen, the mouse hovering over the send button. His reply just said -Where are you?- but it was the best he could come up with. He was a marine, not a poet. In the end he just pushed 'send' and sat back, getting up to get some coffee from the kitchen at the crew deck.

When he came back, he had a little flashing icon on his monitor. He gingerly sat down and clicked for the mail to open. It was from Kaidan and just said -The Citadel.-

Shepard wet his lips, wondering what Kaidan was doing right now, maybe he was making himself ready for a date with that doctor he met, or maybe not, since he was taking time to email him. Shepard swiftly typed -The Normandy docks in the morning, want to meet?- And then he deleted the last, but then it just looked stupid, so he added -The Normandy docks in the morning, let's have a drink- He clicked 'send' and felt better. The last thing he wanted was to come off as desperate and touchy freely, he had tried to reason with Kaidan, telling him the truth, talking about his feelings, but that had gotten him nowhere. So he figured there was no reason for it, if it really made them both uncomfortable. He waited around for a moment, hoping the next message would come back just as fast as the other, but it didn't. So Shepard resigned himself to typing up his report, trying to not expect his computer to give him that little email chime.

The next morning it was there though, and it just said -I don't think that is smart, I don't know Shepard.. Rain check maybe?-

Shepard had looked forward to that email all night, and it had absolutely not said what he had expected it to, he had hoped it had said something like 'Chora's Den, at nine. I'm buying'. It was with a sinking, gray, sad feeling he answered -Sure.Take care Alenko.- He clicked 'send' before he could regret it.


	2. 101 drinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not betaed, I did what I could in regards to correcting spelling errors, but I'm quite sure loads of stuff got past me. Sorry for that.

**Chapter 2. - 101 drinks.**

 

They docked the Citadel, and the crew looked forward to a couple of days of leave. Shepard left the Normandy too, figuring he could spend some time at the market buying some upgrades, he had seen this specific thing last he had been here, and he sorta hoped it was still here, the price -had- been pretty steep, so maybe the merchant hadn't found a buyer for it yet. 

”Where are you going Commander?” Jack called from behind him.

Shepard turned around, surprised not to find Garrus at her heel, he rarely left her side. Shepard wasn't sure he wanted to know the story there. Still it was good to see they got along so well. ”The Market.” He said, ”Buying your engagement ring.” He winked and grinned.

”Jerk.” Jack muttered good-natured, and jogged to walk along side Shepard. ”Mind some company?” 

”If you want to,” Shepard said, pushing the elevator button, ”Don't you have something more interesting to do? Something with a ton of alcohol and some strippers?” 

”True.” Jack grinned, stepping into the elevator with John. ”I'm sure that the strippers wont mind waiting.” 

”If you say so.” Shepard said, smiling, shaking his head amused. He eyed Jack suspiciously, ”Where's Garrus?” 

”Damned if I know.” Jack said with an easy shrug.

”For an expensive freak of nature, you sure are a terrible liar.” Shepard teased her. 

”Okay, okay.” Jack held up her hands in a defensive stance. ”He had some stuff to take care of.” 

Shepard nodded, ”I see.” 

Jack arched a brow, ”Why so suspicious?” 

”Can you blame me?” Shepard said, eyes trained on the floors that swooshed by outside the elevator. ”I know you Jack.” 

”Alright.” Jack sighed, ”Look, Garrus and I talked about it, and we realised that none of us know you very well, not that we don't trust you, because we do. We trust you with our lives, or we wouldn't be here. But we are hardly friends.” She licked her lips nervously, not sure if Shepard would bolt or aim a gun at her face, when the elevator stopped. ”I talk to you every day, you know everything about me that's worth knowing. And I didn't even know you were gay.” 

Shepard flexed his jaw, while several answers to that question ran around in his head. ”That's private.” He said harshly, relieved that the elevator had finally reached the bottom floor. He almost fled the elevator, when Jack grabbed his arm. 

”Shepard.” She said, holding his gaze. ”I know, but don't you think that..” 

”Jack, listen. I had to learn of your past to assess your part on this team. My private life is mine, end of story.” Shepard shrugged Jack's hand off him, and started to walk towards the market.

”What about friends?” Jack called after him.

Shepard stopped, turning around, walking back to Jack. ”Don't give me that shit. You don't have friends either. Friends are just a luxury that aren't meant for everyone.” 

”I used to think the same thing.” Jack admitted, ”Everyone wants something, right?” 

Shepard didn't answer, he just looked at her. Wondering where the hell Jack was, and who this lady who had possessed Jack's body was.

”Garrus changed that, he didn't covet my abilities, he would praise me for them. But he didn't try to take advantage of them, or me. And..” Jack trailed off, seeing that Shepard wasn't listening anymore.

”That's touching. Really.” Shepard said with a scornful tone. ”Now are we done with the therapy session? I would like to do what i came here for and get the fuck off this station.” He turned around again walking towards the market.

”Shit!” Jack growled angrily stomping after Shepard, ”Garrus said you were a stubborn asshole.” 

”Alright.” Shepard sighed, ”You're giving me a headache.” He turned a corner and descended some steps to the ward. ”Tell you what, when we're done here, you buy me a drink, and I'll answer whatever question you have.” He briefly turned his head and looked at Jack who walked at his side. ”Not because I think it's any of your business, or something like that. But if it means so much to you guys, I suppose it can't hurt.” 

Jack smiled ”And Garrus said that tits wouldn't help.” 

Much against anything he just said, Shepard couldn't help but to laugh out loudly. 

~*~

”Never took you for a stingy bastard.” Shepard muttered studying his drink, ignoring Jacks deep laugh. 

”So.” Jack said, leaning in over the table. ”Tell me about Alenko.” 

”Why do you want to know about him?” Shepard said, trying to dismiss it as nothing, with a carefree smile. 

”Because.” 

”Alright.” Shepard said with a sigh, taking a sip of his blue drink. ”He served as Staff Lieutenant on the SSV1 Normandy, and slowly over time we fell in love. And when the Normandy was destroyed I ordered him to rally the crew into the escape pods, and as you know, i didn't make it into one myself.” He smiled and took a sip more of his drink. ”That's it.” 

”Shepard.” Jack rolled her eyes, ”Come on man.” 

”Hey that is what information you will get with a cheap ass drink like this.” Shepard teased her.

”So if i buy you the best the bar has to offer, you'll tell me who's the bottom?” She smiled knowingly, but folded her hands demurely under her chin, batting her eyelashes at Shepard.

”Maybe.” Shepard said, with a lopsided smile. ”Maybe not.” 

Jack laughed and left to get them another drink.

~*~

Garrus had been amazed of how easy it had been to track down Alenko. Still he hesitated now that he stood outside the room where he knew the man lived, his finger hovered over the doorbell. In the end he pushed it, hearing the little beep inside the apartment. Figuring that Jack would skin him alive if he didn't uphold his part of the plan.

The intercom flickered to life, and a distorted feed of Kaidan emerged. ”Garrus?” He asked surprised. ”What are you doing here?” 

”Alenko.” Garrus said, ”Had some time to kill, and I figured that I'd come by and check up on you.” He shrugged, ”It was all pretty awkward at Horizon.” 

”True.” Kaidan said, buzzing the door up. Garrus stepped inside the apartments darkness. Kaidan scratched his hair, tussled from sleep. ”Catching up on some sleep.” He said with a little apologetic smile.

”Sounds like a good idea.” Garrus said, sitting down in a chair, watching Kaidan as he pressed a button and the shutters opened up, letting light into the room. 

”Did Shepard send you?” Kaidan asked. 

”No.” Garrus just said.

”Oh.” Kaidan said, sitting down on the corner of his bed. ”Are you here on Cerberus business then?” 

”No.” Garrus stated.

”I give up.” Kaidan sighed, ”So why are you really here?”

Garrus scanned the room, noticing a picture frame with a picture of Alenko, Shepard and himself. He had wanted to take this slow, but how that he was sitting here, he saw no other way than to just take a plunge off into it. ”He tore Horizon to pieces to find you, he searched for you for hours.” He said, ”I haven't seen him that frantic before.” 

”Shit.” Kaidan huffed, ”I don't want to talk about Shepard, so if that is why you're here, I suggest that you see yourself out.” 

”Your choice.” Garrus said curtly, getting up from the chair, he looked down at Alenko who sat on the bed. ”But I want you to know that he didn't betray you, or abandon you, or whatever foolish ideas you have.” 

”Of course you would say that. You work for Cerberus too.” Kaidan growled. 

Garrus shook his head. ”No, I work for the Commander.” When Kaidan didn't answer, Garrus continued. ”You trusted him too, once.” 

”Well.” Alenko said, getting up from the bed, starting to pace the room. ”That was before he died, and Cerberus recreated him. Who am I to know that they didn't sneak a spy chip in there or something?” He shook his head, ”So to answer your question, yes I trusted him, I fucking -loved- him with everything I had. But that was another Shepard, in another life.” 

”There's always that.” Garrus admitted. He walked to the door, and stopped before he left, turning around he looked at Alenko. ”Everybody needs something, and Sheppard needs you.” 

”No he don't.” Kaidan said, pinching the bridge of his nose to fend off the upcoming headache.

”Very well.” Garrus shrugged, determined not to show Kaidan how frustrated he was. ”He is at Flux, throwing back some drinks. If you should change your mind.” 

Kaidan just nodded, ”It was good to see you Garrus,” He said with a little stiff smile.

”Likewise Alenko.” Garrus said, and finally left the apartment. Inwardly he was kicking himself, it was not like he didn't know that it was an impossible mission he had set out to solve. But he could have handled it better. 

~*~

Back at Flux, Shepard was on his fourth drink, and he wasn't much of a drinker. Jack was glad that he was a cheap date like that, and she had learned more about John Shepard in the last hour, than she had in the months they had worked together. 

She looked up at Garrus as he came and sat down with a drink in his hand. He just shook his head, and Jack's smile faltered. It was worth a try though, apparently both of them were stubborn assholes. 

”Hey Garrus.” Shepard leered, ”Do you remember Liara? That Asari chick.” 

”I remember her.” Garrus said, studying drunken Shepard amused.

”She's here.” Shepard's voice hushed, ”As in right over there.” He pointed at another table.

Garrus looked over, and had assumed that Shepard was drunk, and was seeing ghosts, but it really -was- her. ”I'll be damned.” He mumbled.

Shepard nodded, indicating that it had been his exact thought too. 

”Why don't you go over and say hi?” Jack asked. 

”I don't know.” Shepard squirmed, ”I don't think that.. No, that would be a bad idea.” 

Garrus laughed and turned to Jack, ”Liara had the biggest crush on Shepard, and she didn't take it all too well, walking in on him and Alenko, In the hangar.” 

Jack laughed, ”I -knew- you were a kinky little shit.”

To everyone's surprise Shepard's flushed complexion from drinking, just got a little more flushed. ”We weren't naked or nothing.” He said, which had both Jack and Garrus laughing. 

Jack looked sneaky for a moment, and then she whistled, loud and insisting. Noting as Liara looked in the direction of the sound, she elbowed Garrus, who awkwardly waved at Liara from the table. ”Shit Jack, why did you do that?” Garrus whispered, knowing that Shepard wouldn't hear.

”Why not?” Jack said with a shrug, ”If he doesn't jump her, I will.” 

Garrus just groaned, and downed his drink.

Liara studied the table as she walked over, and to her surprise she didn't just find Garrus with his tattooed human friend, but she also saw, ”Shepard?” 

Shepard looked up at Liara and smiled ”Liara.” 

”How..” Liara decided against the whole 'but you were dead' conversation, and just settled with throwing herself in Shepard's lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. ”It's good to see you.” she whispered in his ear.

Shepard hesitated for a moment, but then wrapped his arms around her, hugging her back. ”You too kiddo.” He grinned. 

”Hey.” Jack gestured for Garrus to lean down so she could whisper something. ”What did the deadbeat say?” 

”He's not coming, he thinks Cerberus implanted a spy chip in Shepard's head.” Garrus sighed, ”He always were paranoid.” 

Before Shepard could protest, Liara had dragged him off to the dance floor, he managed to stretch his arm to fetch his drink from the table before she tugged in him again, pulling him on the dance floor. Jack laughed and shook her head, finishing her own drink, nodding at Garrus, ”You're owe me, you didn't think i could even get him here.” 

”Indeed.” Garrus said, getting up to get another round. When he came back Jack nodded to the entrance of Flux, ”Is that who I think it is?” 

Garrus looked up and nodded as he placed the drinks on the table. ”That's Alenko alright. I didn't think he would come. He said he wouldn't.” 

Jack rolled her eyes, ”Don't space out on me, Vakarian. You're starting to sound like Mordin. Just because he -said- he wasn't coming is not the same as he isn't gonna come.”

With a little confused shake of his head, Garrus sat down at the table. ”Humans.” He just muttered. 

”Do you think he's gonna run off if we invite him over to sit?” Jack asked. 

”Possibly.” Garrus said, handing Jack her drink. 

”Men.” Jack sighed, ”They just don't make sense.” 

Garrus turned his head and chuckled, ”Oh and women does?” He tasted his drink. ”I say your entire bloody race is defunct.” Jack gave him a hard glare, and he added. ”The good way of course.” 

Kaidan looked away from the dance floor for a moment, and as he looked towards the bar, saw Jack and Garrus. But of course! He thought to himself, he had walked straight into that one hadn't he? Odds were they had seen him, so now he just had to make the best of it. He took a deep breath and crossed the club to their table with confident strides. He stopped at their table, and with an almost dignified stance nodded at them. ”Garrus.” He said, ”And uh, I don't think I caught your name.” He held out his hand to Jack. 

”Sit down Alenko.” Garrus said, handing Kaidan the drink he had bought for Liana. 

”I'm Jack.” Jack said, taking Kaidan's outstretched hand. 

”Jack.” Kaidan said seating himself. He took a tiny sip of the drink, wincing as he never cared for the Turian spirits, they tasted like a mens room smelled. ”Tell me Garrus, is that Liana, or am I seeing ghosts?” 

”It is.” 

Kaidan bit his lip, ”I read some of a leaked file in regards to project Lazarus.” He said softly. ”Liana was the one who handed Shepard's body over to Cerberus.” He looked stiffly at the dance floor, ”I don't know.. Maybe I should be glad that the Illusive man gave us Shepard back, had the Alliance had their way, someone would have raised a monument, and that would have been it.” He briefly looked down into his drink. ”Maybe, just maybe Liara was ready to do what the rest of us wouldn't.” 

”Whatever the reasons, someone should go save the Commander from that Asari chick.” Jack stated, she pushed John's drink over at Alenko. ”Drink up, and go get him.” 

Alenko looked mortified that she could even make such a suggestion. 

Jack just looked at Kaidan with a slightly bored expression. ”You don't fool us.” She said, ”You wouldn't have come here if you didn't give a shit.” She downed her drink, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. ”Don't try and tell me you're here for their drinks.” 

”You don't understand.” Kaidan argued, but none the less finished off the two drinks in front of him, with a disgusted winch. 

”Oh but I think we do.” Garrus said, getting up to get another round of drinks. 

”You are a 'glass half empty' kinda guy, aren't you?” Jack asked, staring at Kaidan, demanding an answer. When he just looked away, Jack shook her head disappointed. ”Maybe he really just should settle down when we come back from the Omega4 relay, saviors of the galaxy and all.” She eyed him closer, ”Settle down and have a bunch of little blue kidlets.” 

”He wouldn't!” Kaidan gasped, and then realised that she had been tricking him. ”Shit.” 

”You know.” Jack said amused, reaching out for the drink that Garrus was handing her from a tray. ”For a guy with your security clearance, you aren't very clever.” 

”That is my point exactly.” Kaidan said in a childish, sour tone. ”It's the John Shepard effect, I forget everything when he is around.” 

Garrus handed Kaidan two drinks, ”Sounds like love to me.” He just stated and sat down as dignified as he could after all these drinks.

”Fuck.” Alenko cursed, finally looking away from the dance floor. ”Why did I even make aware of myself at Horizon, if I had just not let curiosity get the better of me, I wouldn't be sitting here.” 

”True.” Garrus said, leaning in over the table, ”But we would also still be looking through containers and crates of canned food for any sign of you.” - Jack laughed, nodding. ”WE went through a great deal to get you both here, not to mention that I just blew my entire salary on drinks, so do what you have to Lieutenant Alenko, but for once just leave your politics at the door.” 

Alenko eyed the drinks, and figured that it might be for John, but if he was too sober for this party, and he needed it. He took one drink and downed it, then to the other's surprise took the other drink and downed that too. Standing up he snatched Garrus' drink and downed that in one go, it made his eyes water, and his stomach protest. But he had to. 

Jack and Garrus just sat down and watched Alenko walk as straight as he could to the dance floor. For a second he looked like he would chicken out, but apparently composed himself and cut through the dancers. ”He took my drink.” Garrus stated.

”Get another one, I'll fill you in if something interesting happens.” Jack said with a smile, sipping her own drink, keeping her eyes on Kaidan.

Kaidan's heart raced so fast he thought he would pass out, he wasn't sure if it was all that damn Turian alcohol he had consumed in very little time, or if it was the craziness of it all. Once he was on the dance floor, he realised he didn't have any shape or form of battle plan here. So he just had to wing it. Here goes nothing, he thought to himself, and snuck his arms around Shepard's waist, resting his chin on John's shoulder. ”Commander.” He purred. 

Shepard couldn't have been more surprised if he tried to. He wasn't about to question why this happened, he was too drunk to bother. He turned around in Kaidan's arms, and even if he was slightly shorter than Kaidan, he wrapped his arms around Alenko's neck. ”You're here.” He just said so softly that it was easy to miss in the music. And without any real thought for anything but them, John kissed Kaidan's jawbone. 

Kaidan tilted his head to the side, closing his eyes. This was something he had never thought he would feel again. And right now he could just ask himself, why he had thought that he would ever be alright without. He opened his eyes as he felt Shepard's hands on each side of his head, and for a brief second they looked at each other before their lips met, really then neither Shepard or Alenko had been big fans of public displays of affection, but it just didn't matter right now. They poured all they had in that kiss. Kaidan could honestly say that he had never thought that would happen again, and yet it felt like coming home.


	3. You & I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I know i could have written more. But just as rushed ends are a pain, so is the dragged out ones. So this is it =) My little silly love story. Not the last time i write about these two, that is for sure. ^^ And than you for all the feedback! I had not expected that, and i hope the end lives up to what was expected.

The first thing that Shepard felt that morning was a nasty headache, he didn't want to wake, he was tired, warm and had a good dream about Alenko squirming under him in passion. If nothing else, nothing was changed in his dreams, and he liked it like that. But his headache was insisting, and in the end he had to emerge from dreamland, he blinked, squinting his eyes as daylight came through the windows. And for a second panic flared, where the hell was he? He wasn't on the Normandy that was for sure. He closed his eyes again, he remembered Jack and some drinks, lots of drinks. And Liara, she had been there too. Shepard frowned, he had kissed someone, he just couldn't recall the face, he hoped he hadn't just thrown himself at some random idiot. Had he been kissing Liara? No, he wouldn't do that, or maybe he would. He groaned and turned to his back, not quite ready to face reality, but couldn't ignore it any longer either. Slowly opening his eyes again, he tried to recall where this was, he scanned the ceiling, but nothing gave the place away, nothing but a little toy collection of, what? Was that the SSV1 Normandy? It was! He swiftly sat up in bed, only to regret it as his headache hit like a hammer. 

”John?” 

Shepard just groaned, his head between his knees, trying not to throw up. Kisses up his spine, arms sneaking around his torso. A playful bite and a kiss on his shoulder.

”Are you okay?” 

He knew that voice. He wish that his head wouldn't throb like this, and that he could focus on something else than nausea. So he just groaned again. 

”It's as you say, Turian booze is dangerous.” 

Shepard's eyebrows knitted as he tried to think. Was that? He leaned to the side to see who sat behind him. 

”Is something wrong?” Kaidan asked, gently letting go of Shepard, letting him rest on the mattress. ”Want a painkiller?” 

”Please.” Shepard whispered though dry lips. As Kaidan returned with a pill and some water, Shepard sat up and gratefully accepted it. ”Did we.. uhm..” He asked, downing the water and the pill. And when Kaidan just shot him a puzzled look, Shepard eased back on the mattress with a sigh. ”Figures, first time I get laid in two and a half year, and I can't remember. Damn turians and their booze!” 

Kaidan just smiled and laid down next to Shepard on the bed. ”I thought you had to fend your admirers off with a stick.” He teased, resting a hand on Shepard’s chest.

”Not really, no.” Shepard answered drily.

Kaidan chuckled, craning his neck to bite Shepard's earlobe, feeling the appreciative purr from John, more like a deep rumble in his chest. ”I missed you.” Kaidan whispered.

”I missed you too.” Shepard said softly, grabbing Alenko's wrist, guiding the other man's hand down to his groin, and his still present half erection. 

”Always the charmer.” Kaidan teased, but none the less obliged. He watched as Shepard closed his eyes and sucked in his breath. This was an image that had haunted his dreams for years, the naked, serene, trusting, John Shepard. He kissed the corner of John's mouth, only to be rewarded with something between a moan and a purr. Within minutes he had Shepard panting, furrowing his brows slightly. Keidan didn't stop till his hand was covered in white mess. ”You are beautiful.” He whispered. Only receiving a satiated smile from Shepard who was studying him with glazed eyes. Kaidan reached in over John and searched for the lube, he knew it had to be here somewhere, he was sure he had tossed it there last night. When he didn't find it, he made up his mind and swung his leg over a surprised Shepard. 

He felt like his pulse raise from the way that John looked up at him, the love and adoration that radiated from him was overwhelming. This was exactly what he had been dreaming of, this was how it was supposed to be. ”I love you.” Shepard said, running his hands up and down Kaidan's thighs, finally resting at his hips. He almost added a -still- to the statement, but figured that it was really just redundant. Kaidan knew what he meant.

”I know.” Keidan said, bending down for a kiss, ”Never leave me again like that.”

”I won't.” Shepard whispered against soft lips. He bit down on the soft tissue gently as he felt Kaidan's lower himself down over his newly awakened passion. He studied Kaidan's expression. ”Hey.” He said softly, causing Kaidan to open his eyes and look down at Shepard. 

”it's okay.” Kaidan said with a little weak but reassuring smile. 

”No it's not.” Shepard said, ”You're sore, I can tell from-” 

”Why do you care?” Kaidan said, realizing that it came out much harsher than he had intended. He couldn't help but to smile despite the pain, as he pushed down, causing Shepard to gasp softly, fighting to not to purr like a big lazy cat. 

”Dirty tricks.” Shepard whispered, his resolve gone as Kaidan started to move. 

”I know.” Kaidan whispered back.

~*~

”I can't move.” Kaidan chuckled, sprawled in the bed. This only earned him a poke in the ribs, and he could really have told himself that. He turned his head and smiled at Shepard that laid next to him and tried to catch his breath as well. 

”Come with me.” Shepard said, it was soft but serious. ”We could-” 

Kaidan's smile disappeared, ”You know I can't do that.” 

Shepard sat up with a labored breath, staring up at the toy model of the Normandy hanging from the ceiling. ”I suppose I do.” He said sadly, ”I just wish that-” 

”Hey.” Kaidan pulled Shepard's arm, pulling him down in bed again. He wrapped his arms around the other man. ”Don't start.” 

Shepard smiled and relaxed in Kaidan's hold, ”Still..” He mumbled.

”Hold that thought.” Kaidan whispered in Shepard's ear, as he eased himself from the embrace and bed, making a bee-line for the bathroom. 

Sitting up Shepard looked around the room, his stomach growled loudly. And so he got off the bed and figured he would find something to eat. He walked past Kaidan's dresser on the way to the kitchen, and what caught his eye in the half closed drawer gave him goosebumps all over. He stopped dead in his tracks, and walked over to the drawer, pulling it out a little more to see more. It was a neatly folded flag, and a little box on top. He took the box with shaking hands, opening it. He looked over his shoulder feeling mostly like a thief. But opened it none the less. It was two medals, he almost didn't have the heart to turn the first one and see the inscription. 

”It's yours.” Kaidan said behind Shepard. 

”I see that.” Shepard said lamely, staring down at the inscription, 'John Shepard, Spectre and Savior of the Citadel'. He looked up at Kaidan with a broken expression, he had just never thought about that his friends, Kaidan included of course had had to attend his funeral, or whatever ceremony that the Alliance had thrown as he died. ”I'm sorry.” He just said, looking away from Kaidan's brown eyes and with a disgusted frown, closed the box again, and closing the drawer. 

”You have nothing to be sorry for.” Kaidan said with a little smile. ”Or rather yeah you do, but this-” He pointed at the drawer, ”Was not your doing.” 

”I just hadn't thought of it.” Shepard admitted, ”But of course you'd gone to my funeral.” 

”What do you mean 'of course'?” Kaidan smiled, and wrapped his arms around the pale Shepard. ”Hey, John.” He whispered in Shepard's ear, ”It doesn't matter now, you're alive, and you're here, that's all that matters.” 

Shepard sighed, resting his hands on Kaidan's arms around him. ”Since when did you become such a 'Live in the moment' type person Alenko?” 

”Since I woke up and realized that you weren't just another wet dream.” Kaidan smiled against Shepard's neck and licked the salty skin. ”Someone gave us a second chance, and it would be pretty stupid to waste that on being bitter, right?” 

”Yeah.” Shepard admitted, tilting his head baring his neck, waiting for Kaidan to kiss him again.

Kaidan weren't slow to see the invitation. He grinned as Shepard suddenly grabbed him and pushing him up against the kitchen wall. ”You won't ever get anything to eat at this rate.”

”I can eat when I grow old.” Shepard said with a little smile, kissing Kaidan with everything he had in him. As the kiss ended he eased up on his grip on Alenko, and rested his forehead against Kaidan's. ”I feel guilty.” He whispered with a tiny, vonurable tone.

”Listen to me.” Kaidan said, holding Shepard's face in his hands, forcing the shorter man to look straight at him. ”I grieved you, I cried, I cursed the Alliance, I cursed God, I hated the world, and I hated myself most of all, I should have known better than you let you brush me off like that when the Normandy crashed.” He placed a soft, quick kiss on Shepard's lips, holding the other man's gaze still. ”What made me strike out at you was pride, shock, and I guess jealousy to some extend. I didn't understand why you hadn't told me you weren't dead, how you could let me go though all that, and then just stand there and talk to me like nothing had happened.” Kaidan frowned as Shepard looked away, blinking rapidly, trying to will away any sign of weakness. ”Look at me. John, please.” 

Shepard looked up at Kaidan, his face open and sad.

”I realized that you were right. I -do- know you, and I know me. I know you would never hurt me deliberately.” Kaidan smiled softly, ”You big, soft, boy-scout you.” 

”Am not.” Shepard said with a grin. 

”Is too.” Kaidan ran a thumb lovingly over Shepard's cheek, ”I will let you know that I find that whole -tortured, sexy, man, with a lost cause- Quite intriguing.” He chuckled.

”Actually I know that in some distant worlds, there are people down right afraid of me.” Shepard shot back with a larger grin.

”You flatter yourself.” Kaidan laughed, finally removing his hands of Shepard's cheeks. 

Shepard grabbed Kaidan's ass, lifting him up, back against the wall. Kaidan wrapped his legs around Shepard's waist, bending down to kiss the other man again. ”John.” He panted against Shepard's lips. Moaning as Shepard breached him with ease, fucking him hard against the wall. 

~*~

Shepard didn't return to the Normandy till sometime the next day. He walked straight down into the crew kitchen to get something to eat, even that horrible food would taste like a meal of kings right now. He was famished. Jack sat and read through some files and had a cup of coffee in front of her. As she heard another crew member say -Commander-, she looked up at John's stupid leer, and broke out in a loud laugh. ”You look like you had a nice weekend, Shepard.”

”You could say that.” Shepard said, pouring stuff on his plate without looking at it. His stomach growling in appreciation. He walked over and sat down opposite Jack at the table. ”What are you reading?” He asked casually, digging into his food.

”Never mind what I’m reading.” Jack said pushing the datapad away, and folded her hands under her chin, staring at Shepard as he ate. ”So?” 

”So?” Shepard said with his mouth full of food, not even looking up.

”Are we getting a new crew member?” Jack asked.

Shepard stopped chewing and looked at her for a moment, ”No.” He just said, and then started eating again.

Jack rose a brow, ”Looks like Garrus owes me a drink.” 

Shepard shook his head but didn't bother to answer. But after a long time of awkward silence, he put down his fork and looked at Jack. ”What?” 

”It was hard work you know, getting you two stubborn fuckers to even be in the same room. So I think I'm entitled to a little gossip.” Jack just said with an innocent smile.

”What is there to tell?” Shepard said deadpanned. 

Jack rolled her eyes, ”I don't mean details of your sex life, man. I mean, what now? Did you fix your relationship or what?” 

”No, not really.” Shepard said, finally putting down the fork in his empty plate. ”But we didn't leave off with a fight, if that is what you are asking me. He has his call, and I have mine, and as it is now, they are not compatible. It's that simple.” He looked directly at Jack, ”You of all people should understand that. The need for not complicating stuff that doesn't need to be complicated.” 

Jack didn't believe him one bit, and just took a sip of her coffee. ”You love him, and he loves you.” She stated, ”And before you deny it, let me tell you it's pretty easy to see when you are together, you ain't fooling anyone.” She tapped her lip thoughtful. ”So, I'm asking you again, what now? Are you okay?” 

”To answer your question, ” Shepard said, crossing his arms over his chest, clearly not comfortable with this talk, ”Now we go fetch that damn Reaper IFF, and sure I’m fine, thanks for asking.” 

”I liked you better when you were drunk.” Jack teased.

”So did Alenko.” Shepard said with a dirty grin, which was the closest to any gossip Jack would get. He got up and was about to leave for his cabin. He stopped half way and turned towards Jack again. ”Hey Jack?” 

”Yeah?” 

”Thank you.” His smile widened, and he winked at her. 

”You're welcome.” Jack said, reaching for her datapad again, letting Shepard leave for his cabin.


End file.
